4 posts tagged “personal”

Did you ever notice how people that get stuck in parking spots, because of ice, or lack of even bothering to shovel, or the naive bravado that they will get out of this friggin spot no matter what, do things to their vehicles that most mechanics would squeal with joy or pain (depending on the sadistic nature of said mechanic). This morning for example, 6 a.m. one car right outside my bedroom window tried to rock himself out of a spot for a half hour( I heard noises come from his engine and tires that could not have been beneficial to the health of said vehicle. One hour later and after 3 or 4 not so painful attempts from others in my area, I sat down to check my email and to my sick

satisfaction, right outside my window, the battle of man versus nature begins again, this time three men and a women versus nature. Every trick in the book was thrown out there, rocks, rock it-rock it- rooock iiiiiiitttt(NO, DAMN) ,shovel a little, turn this way turn that way. All this continued for about twenty minutes, and I swear this new vehicle(not sure of the model, but it was a chevy) lost at least a year off the engine, and at least a 1/4 inch of rubber. Finally the lovely residents(I think everyone was sick of listening to it) decided to pitch in, a couple guys went out, gave it the old heave-ho, and out the vehicle went, a little less for wear, into the morning sun. Now the funny part of this was that every vehicle that had issues this morning are the same ones that have issues with every storm. And yet these people park in the same spots, do not shovel those same spots, give no extra time or effort towards a little preventitive maintenance. Growing up my grandfather taught me the benefits of moving my vehicle, clearing myself a spot, removing all the snow from the vehicle(not just the hole of inevitable disaster that most people clear off on the center of the drivers side window), I always thought he was a royal pain in the ass when I was younger, but it is wonderfully sick moments like these that I know he taught me well. 

Did you ever spread yourself so thin that you don't know where you begin an end. I am pretty lame when it comes to the social scene. I have alot of friends i just don't really like hanging out with them. I just don't understand the concept of....well.....like how much time in your circle of friends and family should everyone get. And if you decide to give them all a little, what does that leave for personal alone time? I have never balanced the work, family, relationship thing all too well. I am an all or nothing type of guy, and then when I try to make courtesy calls or polite conversation, it feels forced. I am an only child who spent a whole hell of a lot of time alone as a child, and maybe that is where it all stems from. For the first ten years of my life I was pretty much a one man show. Within the next twenty years or so....Boy did things change. As it stands now I have four stepsisters, two half sisters, and a girlfriend who has three siblings herself. I also have a 9 year old daughter, how the hell does one person multi task like that? 

I don't seem to be able to come to grips with my feelings about my father. I waited twenty years to talk to the man and goddam did he dissappoint me. I just can't figure out if the reason i despise him so is because my expectations were too high, or if the way he is is foreshadowing what i will become. The side of the family he comes from is a fucking mess. Is it wrong to enjoy normalcy, is it wrong to have a regiment? I haven't talked to him in months and i feel bad about that but only because i am thinking it is the right thing to do to talk to him, i definitely do not feel that I want to talk to him. I grew up without him, why do I need him now?

"OLD MAN TAKE A LOOK AT MY LIFE, I'M A LOT LIKE YOU

I NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE ME THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH"

Neil young laid the foundation for my feelings about dear old dad.I know it is cliche, but i felt that he wrote that song knowing my story.

I also blame him for a lot of things. Why am I constantly searching for someones approval? Why, no matter how successful I am, or proficient I am at the task at hand, do I feel like I have failed? I Don't know how to be a fucking father, because I never FUCKING HAD ONE!!!!

I know I am grown, and that my life is in my control, but Jesus is the baggage heavy, and every day is an internal struggle, and the funny thing is-NOONE HAS A FUCKING CLUE.

I am sick of being angry, sick of searching for that father figure..........